[ Hugo is saying this to Silco, who's daughter is Jinx, of all people. He might be a little prickly about it ā but also, this is very much a difference in their styles with their siblings/children. ]
I have noticed he is different, yes. [ Silco does not use the phrase childlike. ]
I bring this up because I found out that he used to do violent work, but it wasn't quite his decision. It was something he was created for rather than his own choice, so we should give him that freedom, right?
And I know you'll just repeat yourself by saying that's making a decision for him, but I'm worried that he's a people pleaser when it comes to authority figures. I don't know if he'd stand up for himself, honestly.
"It's painful to cause pain" is exactly what he said, so naturally I'd want to reach out about it.
[ Ughā¦ Hugo frowns, since Silco isnāt wrong, and thatās troubling. Talking to Silco always ends up this way. ]
Well, naturally Iād want him to defend himself. Or others if he chooses to, and you know I wonāt exactly be upset if that attention is turned towards Patho-Gen.
[ Laid out like thisā¦ Hugo feels a little naĆÆve. Itās not a good feeling, both for feeling that way when he thinks of himself as usually clever, but also because itās just sad to have to. The kind of peace heād been thinking about for Sariel isnāt actually realistic for the Augmented, is it? ]
I just worry about him is all. Itās unfortunate to have to relive a past you escaped, right?
[ Silco is so different than Hugo in this way. Accepting the violence that is necessary has always been uniquely Silco. A malady he does not so much suffer from as embrace.
It's good, that Hugo sees the truth in the matter. ]
Some of us never escape it. The past haunts us all.
I want to believe it can be done. Maybe it's not easy, but we shouldn't have to carry the burden of what we were forever if we don't want to. People can change and overcome their demons.
...Though, I'll admit, even if it's obvious. I'm barely talking about Sariel at this point, though I'd still hope he could make his own happiness.
[ There's a pause in the messaging before Hugo sends another. He had to deliberate on it, but he imagines at worst, Silco will just refuse to answer. That's fine. ]
Let me rephrase the question a little. Don't you wish your past didn't haunt you?
I fill my time wishing for something bigger than myself.
[ Quite frankly, Silco wouldn't be the man he was, without his trauma. What would he do? Give up? He needs it. It is the motivation and the fire behind everything he does. He couldn't remove that from himself any more than he could become a different, softer person.
Why would he bother, when he doesn't hate himself. He just hates the people around him. ]
What happened to me, made me. I can't remove myself from it, and I could hardly hope to. I wouldn't be able to do what I do without it.
I don't completely disagree. Obviously there are things from my past that I wish had never happened, but that's not something that can be changed. It's stating the obvious, but it's still easier said than done to accept that in the first place.
Maybe this is comparing apples and oranges. Who knows? But I'm still curious.
Has it ever bothered you? Being shaped so heavily that way? Maybe it allows you to do what you do, but... Why did you have to pay that cost?
[ He doesn't even mean men like Benzo and Vander, who were dead because of him. The men he'd killed. He means the rest of them. Bodies at the bottom of the river, the ones the enforcers slaughtered before this all happened. ]
If it wouldn't have been them, it would have been someone else. I let a weak man die that day, but I am still alive. The price I paid was less than others, and I refuse to let the prices paid by countless Zaunites be paid in vain.
It had to be me, in short. None other could have weathered it, and marched on.
[ As always, when he asks Silco questions, he gets answers that are complicated. He understands the mentality that Silco describes here immediately, because itās easy to see those impulses in himself. Heād just been lucky enough to have never had his hand forced like Silcoās had. Thatās even what Silco had said the night that heād drowned him.
ā¦It probably says something that heās returned to this topic, even if itās in a more roundabout way. ]
Mm, it is a bit of apples and oranges, but in the sense that your stakes are much higher. The past that shaped me doesnāt have much of a body count. Or those that exist are ones I donāt mourn.
[ Save for one, but Serena is still a topic heās keeping locked up tightly. ]
Itās admirable. Sad, because I wish it werenāt circumstances you had to face, but admirable.
[ Thereās a pause, since he considers whether to send another message or not, be decides to just ask. ]
Those are the kinds of stakes weāre facing here, arenāt we?
Being here is not easy, or simple. What is happening to us is not welcome, but required all the same. We are forced to now either hold steadfast, or we do not.
Those that crumple will not be able to pay the price to stand in opposition.
I know I will be able to. I have already been forged in this fire. Hopefully I will not be the only one.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
GETS OUT THE SQUIRT BOTTLE
eto...
I have noticed he is different, yes. [ Silco does not use the phrase childlike. ]
That is no reason to make a decision for him.
no subject
And I know you'll just repeat yourself by saying that's making a decision for him, but I'm worried that he's a people pleaser when it comes to authority figures. I don't know if he'd stand up for himself, honestly.
"It's painful to cause pain" is exactly what he said, so naturally I'd want to reach out about it.
no subject
His line of work is protection, I cannot bar him from doing the job he was hired for, particularly if things continue to escalate thanks to Patho-Gen.
He may need to indulge in it from time to time, I'm afraid. Regardless of whether I put him forward as someone to do such work or not.
no subject
Well, naturally Iād want him to defend himself. Or others if he chooses to, and you know I wonāt exactly be upset if that attention is turned towards Patho-Gen.
[ Laid out like thisā¦ Hugo feels a little naĆÆve. Itās not a good feeling, both for feeling that way when he thinks of himself as usually clever, but also because itās just sad to have to. The kind of peace heād been thinking about for Sariel isnāt actually realistic for the Augmented, is it? ]
I just worry about him is all. Itās unfortunate to have to relive a past you escaped, right?
SICKOS
It's good, that Hugo sees the truth in the matter. ]
Some of us never escape it. The past haunts us all.
no subject
[ It's one of the first things he and Silco had actually bonded over, strange as it feels to use that word to describe it. ]
But that's also why I don't wish that for others, you know. If there's a chance someone can escape those shackles... I hope they would. Wouldn't you?
no subject
[ This is where they differ. Silco doesn't necessarily want others to suffer out of spite, but out of a need to belong. ]
The only person who can guarantee that is the individual, and I've not seen it done, when the cost is high.
[ They do NOT have therapy in Zaun. ]
no subject
...Though, I'll admit, even if it's obvious. I'm barely talking about Sariel at this point, though I'd still hope he could make his own happiness.
[ There's a pause in the messaging before Hugo sends another. He had to deliberate on it, but he imagines at worst, Silco will just refuse to answer. That's fine. ]
Let me rephrase the question a little. Don't you wish your past didn't haunt you?
no subject
[ Quite frankly, Silco wouldn't be the man he was, without his trauma. What would he do? Give up? He needs it. It is the motivation and the fire behind everything he does. He couldn't remove that from himself any more than he could become a different, softer person.
Why would he bother, when he doesn't hate himself. He just hates the people around him. ]
What happened to me, made me. I can't remove myself from it, and I could hardly hope to. I wouldn't be able to do what I do without it.
no subject
Maybe this is comparing apples and oranges. Who knows? But I'm still curious.
Has it ever bothered you? Being shaped so heavily that way? Maybe it allows you to do what you do, but... Why did you have to pay that cost?
no subject
The people that were with me that day are.
[ He doesn't even mean men like Benzo and Vander, who were dead because of him. The men he'd killed. He means the rest of them. Bodies at the bottom of the river, the ones the enforcers slaughtered before this all happened. ]
If it wouldn't have been them, it would have been someone else. I let a weak man die that day, but I am still alive. The price I paid was less than others, and I refuse to let the prices paid by countless Zaunites be paid in vain.
It had to be me, in short. None other could have weathered it, and marched on.
no subject
ā¦It probably says something that heās returned to this topic, even if itās in a more roundabout way. ]
Mm, it is a bit of apples and oranges, but in the sense that your stakes are much higher. The past that shaped me doesnāt have much of a body count. Or those that exist are ones I donāt mourn.
[ Save for one, but Serena is still a topic heās keeping locked up tightly. ]
Itās admirable. Sad, because I wish it werenāt circumstances you had to face, but admirable.
[ Thereās a pause, since he considers whether to send another message or not, be decides to just ask. ]
Those are the kinds of stakes weāre facing here, arenāt we?
no subject
Being here is not easy, or simple. What is happening to us is not welcome, but required all the same. We are forced to now either hold steadfast, or we do not.
Those that crumple will not be able to pay the price to stand in opposition.
I know I will be able to. I have already been forged in this fire. Hopefully I will not be the only one.