[ Silco blinked, and there's the dead silence of 'don't ask me that' reflected in it.
He absolutely wouldn't answer that. ]
Well, you were complaining about your friends being younger than you... [ He ticked it off on his fingers. ] We did some drugs...
Ah -- and then we finally conformed to what the Hierarchy demands of us, and probably the reason why you came here.
We're soulmates -- and no, not like that. [ Small said with all of the derision of someone who was very much trying to prevent what he knew was coming. ] It's supposedly a necessity, to fight off our "shadows".
(and his heart drops from his chest, free-fall, even if his face remains still aside from a gentle raise of his eyebrows. that's who died, isn't it? no one else. it would stand true if that was it.)
-- Oh. That's why you can hear my thoughts. Any way I can have you not do that? It fucking sucks.
[ He remembered, but he had no clue about their fate, or anything of that nature, which is clear from the only vaguest of recognition on Silco's face. ]
And yes, that's why I can hear your thoughts. You'll need to clamp those down on your side. I, personally, do everything I can to keep you from hearing anything.
Consider it a courtesy.
[ And not at all that Silco was... well. Silco, and thus, secretive. ]
[ Silco's eyes slid from the paper in front of him to the kid.
Well, something had gotten to him, huh? Silco, unfortunately, was a man of his own violent swings of mood, and so he didn't comment on it, point it out, or offer to help. It's the sort of thing that every individual must deal with on their own, after all. ]
You simply... [ He waved a hand. ] Don't project it. It's not perfect, but think of it like controlling your mind away from every idle thought. You must be active, in your focus.
It will prevent me from dealing with your emotions, and you mine, if you learn to do so. Which I would prefer, mind.
... I'll work on it. I want you in my head as much as you want me in yours. I suppose that's probably why we chose each other.
(the ability of keeping each other from meddling in the other's shit. sounds just what he would want. it does feel like it will take a while for him to re-learn how to do that.
... he has to ask, though.)
... What kind of adult was I, Silco? ... If you're in my head, I'm sure you've felt it.
(the dark impulses, the dissociation, the urge to destroy, the morality that won't fix itself when his mind goes blank.)
[ Silco shrugged, and nodded. He didn't want a soulmate any more than Mikey had, and that worked. Because they both had needs, Silco in particular has a daughter that he can't bear the thought of breaking her heart, or giving her the knowledge of his death.
It's a careful thing, he's trying to play. A balancing act and a game that's going to topple eventually. There's no way it cannot. He knows this, and yet... ]
I suppose I would describe you as wild, and untamed. A monster in sheep's clothing. [ A beat. ] Young, though, and therefore full of yourself and you've never found the bigger fish in the pond quite yet.
Honestly, we would have either worked well together, or destroyed each other, I think. [ The curl of his lips said that Silco enjoyed that.
Sorry Mikey, there's a reason Silco was your soulmate. ]
(although he would never be so quick to admit it out loud to anyone. well, anyone he cares about, protects, anyone good. he can feel it, his instincts are never quite wrong - silco and mikey hadn't solely created this alliance out of necessity, but rather, perhaps of a mutual understanding, like staring into a mirror.
he tries to keep his 'destroying each other seems more likely' comment in his head only, but perhaps the latter escapes. up in the air, whatever he means.)
... You know, Silco. There's no reason for me to lie to you, right? Being in my head, feeling what I feel, I guess you must have felt it. The darkness in me. Maybe your assumption of us can still be true, after all.
[ Silco looked up, then from one of his many pages of scrawled notes, that neat, tight writing of notations and connections. He looked from the papers, to Mikey, and there's a moment there.
He looked at him, and considered, because Silco had not even noticed the darkness as unusual. How could he, when he was from a place where the Darkness was held, and reflected by them all? ]
There's a monster in all of us, child.
[ He said it offhand, bluntly. He does not open himself to any connection, Silco is too tightly controlled, too wound and labyrinthine to simply feel out, but even Mikey could sense the gaping maw of his own darkness staring back at him. Perhaps a different sort of monster, a beast of circumstance and hard-learned lessons, but a pit of black none the less. ]
That's something to cultivate, not shove down until it withers and dies.
(he has to stop for a moment and try to comprehend what the other is saying. his eyes, hollow, devoid of light, stick to the other's like a magnet, as if he was trying to understand exactly what is it that he's staring at. the damage to the other's face doesn't bother him, it barely process - that's not what he is looking at.
it's what he feels, instead.)
... I don't know. It's like I can't control myself sometimes. My mind goes blank, and I can't find myself in the process. I can't tell left from right, and when I come back to myself, I've done things I wouldn't do on my own. I'd kill anyone I love in a heartbeat. I need it, and I hate it, but I want it.
[ It sounded similar to the high that people had with Shimmer. Losing all sense of self, losing the will and ability to discern friend from foe -- well, depending on the dose -- but it was a similar enough thought that Silco only blinked his single eye, and evaluated Mikey for a moment.
A long moment, considering the words to say. ]
Of course you do. It's power, it's abandon, it's without control. It's the power to do things that you would otherwise say no to, yes?
What part of 'people I love' went right over your head? I wouldn't... I don't want to hurt them.
(but silco sees right through him, does he not? that's exactly why he wants to gather the best of all he can. even the dark impulses, as miserable as it can make him, have use. he'd kill kazutora if he hadn't been stopped.)
Then they should be stronger, to restrain your dark side, or they aren't worthy of that sort of affection.
[ He said it, bluntly. Silco didn't doubt, that if he were on a murderous rampage, that the one person he cared about -- an uncontrolled flicker through that soulmate bond, Silco was not without at least one person he cared about, clearly -- would be able to stop him.
She had, after all, killed him. ]
Isn't this Dark Impulse of yours something to cultivate? We'll need every advantage we can have here, and perhaps if you learn to indulge it... at the right times, it will settle.
You dick, the people who did that died. Baji's here, at least. That helps.
(shinichiro sano, keisuke baji, emma sano -- baji being here is a relief, at least. his presence soothes, and even when mikey was alive, he could hear his voice in his head, guiding, giving information he couldn't have otherwise known.
shinichiro's a tether, and while emma did die, his brain is in denial, as the last memory that rings true is her still alive on his back on the way to the hospital. he's lost too many people already.)
[ Silco rolled his eyes. He didn't intend to be a "dick", it was just a fact. If they were killed, were they not weak? He'd been murdered by his own daughter, and he didn't blame her. Mostly. She was just as easily pulled under by her own... impulses, her own Dark Impulse. ]
Well, next time you need advice on your... "dark impulse", feel free to stop by. It might not be your shadow, but at the same time, isn't it similar enough?
[ There's a slight smile, there. He spread his hands. ] At least you can approach without judgement, hm?
(still. his people would go down to hell and back for him, but to mikey's own self-loathing, that isn't exactly ideal. the last thing he'd like is to worsen them as he falls down the pit of the curse - not that he knows what it is.)
Have you tried indulging it in a controlled manner?
[ He asked, as he tapped his finger against his desk, thoughtful. It's the sort of thing that he would try. Control it by sating the beast, indulge it so it didn't come up at inopportune times. Would it work, though, was the question. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
He absolutely wouldn't answer that. ]
Well, you were complaining about your friends being younger than you... [ He ticked it off on his fingers. ] We did some drugs...
Ah -- and then we finally conformed to what the Hierarchy demands of us, and probably the reason why you came here.
We're soulmates -- and no, not like that. [ Small said with all of the derision of someone who was very much trying to prevent what he knew was coming. ] It's supposedly a necessity, to fight off our "shadows".
no subject
(and his heart drops from his chest, free-fall, even if his face remains still aside from a gentle raise of his eyebrows. that's who died, isn't it? no one else. it would stand true if that was it.)
-- Oh. That's why you can hear my thoughts. Any way I can have you not do that? It fucking sucks.
no subject
[ He remembered, but he had no clue about their fate, or anything of that nature, which is clear from the only vaguest of recognition on Silco's face. ]
And yes, that's why I can hear your thoughts. You'll need to clamp those down on your side. I, personally, do everything I can to keep you from hearing anything.
Consider it a courtesy.
[ And not at all that Silco was... well. Silco, and thus, secretive. ]
no subject
(while that conversation happens, he does take a look into his phone. the names are all there - takemitchy, kazutora, baji. well, fuck, fuck, fuck.
a deep, deep breath. look like nothing is in his mind, but silco can feel mikey's heart drop, the melancholy, and the failure he feels.
he didn't protect them.)
no subject
Well, something had gotten to him, huh? Silco, unfortunately, was a man of his own violent swings of mood, and so he didn't comment on it, point it out, or offer to help. It's the sort of thing that every individual must deal with on their own, after all. ]
You simply... [ He waved a hand. ] Don't project it. It's not perfect, but think of it like controlling your mind away from every idle thought. You must be active, in your focus.
It will prevent me from dealing with your emotions, and you mine, if you learn to do so. Which I would prefer, mind.
no subject
(the ability of keeping each other from meddling in the other's shit. sounds just what he would want. it does feel like it will take a while for him to re-learn how to do that.
... he has to ask, though.)
... What kind of adult was I, Silco? ... If you're in my head, I'm sure you've felt it.
(the dark impulses, the dissociation, the urge to destroy, the morality that won't fix itself when his mind goes blank.)
no subject
It's a careful thing, he's trying to play. A balancing act and a game that's going to topple eventually. There's no way it cannot. He knows this, and yet... ]
I suppose I would describe you as wild, and untamed. A monster in sheep's clothing. [ A beat. ] Young, though, and therefore full of yourself and you've never found the bigger fish in the pond quite yet.
Honestly, we would have either worked well together, or destroyed each other, I think. [ The curl of his lips said that Silco enjoyed that.
Sorry Mikey, there's a reason Silco was your soulmate. ]
no subject
(although he would never be so quick to admit it out loud to anyone. well, anyone he cares about, protects, anyone good. he can feel it, his instincts are never quite wrong - silco and mikey hadn't solely created this alliance out of necessity, but rather, perhaps of a mutual understanding, like staring into a mirror.
he tries to keep his 'destroying each other seems more likely' comment in his head only, but perhaps the latter escapes. up in the air, whatever he means.)
... You know, Silco. There's no reason for me to lie to you, right? Being in my head, feeling what I feel, I guess you must have felt it. The darkness in me. Maybe your assumption of us can still be true, after all.
no subject
He looked at him, and considered, because Silco had not even noticed the darkness as unusual. How could he, when he was from a place where the Darkness was held, and reflected by them all? ]
There's a monster in all of us, child.
[ He said it offhand, bluntly. He does not open himself to any connection, Silco is too tightly controlled, too wound and labyrinthine to simply feel out, but even Mikey could sense the gaping maw of his own darkness staring back at him. Perhaps a different sort of monster, a beast of circumstance and hard-learned lessons, but a pit of black none the less. ]
That's something to cultivate, not shove down until it withers and dies.
no subject
(he has to stop for a moment and try to comprehend what the other is saying. his eyes, hollow, devoid of light, stick to the other's like a magnet, as if he was trying to understand exactly what is it that he's staring at. the damage to the other's face doesn't bother him, it barely process - that's not what he is looking at.
it's what he feels, instead.)
... I don't know. It's like I can't control myself sometimes. My mind goes blank, and I can't find myself in the process. I can't tell left from right, and when I come back to myself, I've done things I wouldn't do on my own. I'd kill anyone I love in a heartbeat. I need it, and I hate it, but I want it.
no subject
A long moment, considering the words to say. ]
Of course you do. It's power, it's abandon, it's without control. It's the power to do things that you would otherwise say no to, yes?
Why would you hate that?
no subject
(but silco sees right through him, does he not? that's exactly why he wants to gather the best of all he can. even the dark impulses, as miserable as it can make him, have use. he'd kill kazutora if he hadn't been stopped.)
no subject
Then they should be stronger, to restrain your dark side, or they aren't worthy of that sort of affection.
[ He said it, bluntly. Silco didn't doubt, that if he were on a murderous rampage, that the one person he cared about -- an uncontrolled flicker through that soulmate bond, Silco was not without at least one person he cared about, clearly -- would be able to stop him.
She had, after all, killed him. ]
Isn't this Dark Impulse of yours something to cultivate? We'll need every advantage we can have here, and perhaps if you learn to indulge it... at the right times, it will settle.
no subject
(shinichiro sano, keisuke baji, emma sano -- baji being here is a relief, at least. his presence soothes, and even when mikey was alive, he could hear his voice in his head, guiding, giving information he couldn't have otherwise known.
shinichiro's a tether, and while emma did die, his brain is in denial, as the last memory that rings true is her still alive on his back on the way to the hospital. he's lost too many people already.)
... Yeah. We'll see.
no subject
Well, next time you need advice on your... "dark impulse", feel free to stop by. It might not be your shadow, but at the same time, isn't it similar enough?
[ There's a slight smile, there. He spread his hands. ] At least you can approach without judgement, hm?
no subject
(still. his people would go down to hell and back for him, but to mikey's own self-loathing, that isn't exactly ideal. the last thing he'd like is to worsen them as he falls down the pit of the curse - not that he knows what it is.)
I haven't-- deal with it yet. I don't know.
no subject
Have you tried indulging it in a controlled manner?
[ He asked, as he tapped his finger against his desk, thoughtful. It's the sort of thing that he would try. Control it by sating the beast, indulge it so it didn't come up at inopportune times. Would it work, though, was the question. ]