Well, setting aside the logistical question of how we would return at all (which is my secondary concern), I just don't know if it's a good assumption to make?
It would require returning with our Augmenters and our Natural Soul, presumably, since that's clearly what's keeping us "alive".
I would rather be here and alive enough than roll the dice on dying to return.
[ now here is where they are different, again. The small signs. The cracks in the mirror —
Silco has only two things he lives for. Two things he actually loves more than anything.
Both of them are not here. ]
Oh, I am aware that it is not... Easy. Patho-gen would likely have the method, nothing would pass without their knowledge. . [ Unless he took it from them. ]
But I would rather gamble on going home, than stay here for as long as I suspect that I would be. Were dead, Hugo. Do you think we will age? Do you think we will die naturally?
I would rather gamble on going back to my daughter and Zaun, before I spend what might be an eternity here.
...I understand. It's a difference of opinion, then. I don't think it would be wise for me, personally.
[ Even if he was able to go back in this state of undeath, his life would still have to change drastically. It's easy to imagine how the military would be extremely interested in his "condition", an having to stay on the run just to make sure that any powers that be didn't get a hint of it? That doesn't sound like a good life to him. That's the part that's little abstract, though, so he doesn't elaborate on that. Instead— ]
Besides. It would only cause Vivian more misery. I couldn't do that to her.
No, she wouldn’t. And I’m sure that you’re right that she’d want me to be with her regardless.
But with these new appetites, it’s not safe for her.
It’s one thing to be a thief. If (and that’s a very large if) we were caught, then the prison sentence is minimal. It’s practically a slap on the wrist, even if TOPS wants to take punishment into their own hands as retribution.
...Even if it's commonplace, wouldn't you want to keep her away from it, though?
It's not quite the same, but Vivian also feels responsible for the deaths of other people. It's not her fault, and I can't even call it an accident either, but she was shunned for it and carries the weight. It's why I took her in. She'd been abandoned, and honestly, she probably would have taken her own life.
I've seen how she struggles, and I love her dearly for how strong she is despite that.
So even if there were no consequences, I wouldn't want to add another ounce of guilt or regret to her heart.
[ Only recently, she'd been limp in his arms, barely alive. The doctor had said that it would be unpleasant, to keep her alive. How could he do anything but?
No, he did fear for her life now. Her safety. She had to live. All of this wouldn't be worth it, if she did not. She would, of course. He knew that. She would. ]
Jinx is strong. It does not matter how much I fear for her safety, there is no such thing as keeping them safe.
I can only do what I must to make sure she will survive, despite the dangers. That knowledge that we are always in danger is a part of living in the Undercity.
I can only focus on ensuring survival.
[ also he lets her do whatever she wants, and a LOT of that is dangerous ]
I'll take your word for it. It's certainly a difference in the places we live, since even the dangerous parts of New Eridu are different than your Undercity.
[ But he does worry a bit, just like the first time they'd talked about Jinx. He doesn't doubt that Silco loves her, at least, but is this kind of mindset truly necessary? Maybe it is. But he'd still want to hope for a similar future for Jinx than he hopes for Vivian. ]
Is that what you've focused on for yourself? Survival?
[ Silco perhaps many years ago, would have agreed. But Silco and Jinx as they are have been through so much, warped and twisted themselves into monsters that there truly is no going back. Before Silco had picked her up in the rain, there was hope for her to have a happy and free life.
Not so, after Silco raised her. He has never once been able to peel himself away from the traumas, and she wouldn't, either. Not now. Not in the end. ]
I would not be where I am today, if I was not. [ Well... ] Well. Before arriving here.
I had to survive despite many, many factors trying to ensure that I will not.
...Believe it or not, I do understand that. There was a time in my life that I would have said exactly the same, though the circumstances are extremely different.
Forgive me if this is overstepping. It's because I know where that impulse comes from. When you're so focused on survival, anything else is difficult, to put it lightly.
[ ...yeah he can see an intense crashout in silco's future. one day. ]
This is easier said than done, I know. But I'm passing along advice I received many years ago, and I did find it helpful.
But take care to try and find something that isn't simply making it from one day to the next. I can't tell you what that should be, since that's a personal preference, but... It does help.
Consider it a contingency plan, then. You don't strike me as the sort of person that would overlook having backup plans if things go poorly. It's essentially the same as that.
[ Silco... really has a way of looking at things, doesn't he? Hugo sighs, a bit exasperated, but at least the benefit of texting is that he can keep that to himself. ]
I wouldn't put it that way, but regardless. Just be careful? That's my point in the end, since I am concerned about your well-being.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Well, setting aside the logistical question of how we would return at all (which is my secondary concern), I just don't know if it's a good assumption to make?
It would require returning with our Augmenters and our Natural Soul, presumably, since that's clearly what's keeping us "alive".
I would rather be here and alive enough than roll the dice on dying to return.
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Silco has only two things he lives for. Two things he actually loves more than anything.
Both of them are not here. ]
Oh, I am aware that it is not... Easy. Patho-gen would likely have the method, nothing would pass without their knowledge. . [ Unless he took it from them. ]
But I would rather gamble on going home, than stay here for as long as I suspect that I would be. Were dead, Hugo. Do you think we will age? Do you think we will die naturally?
I would rather gamble on going back to my daughter and Zaun, before I spend what might be an eternity here.
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[ Even if he was able to go back in this state of undeath, his life would still have to change drastically. It's easy to imagine how the military would be extremely interested in his "condition", an having to stay on the run just to make sure that any powers that be didn't get a hint of it? That doesn't sound like a good life to him. That's the part that's little abstract, though, so he doesn't elaborate on that. Instead— ]
Besides. It would only cause Vivian more misery. I couldn't do that to her.
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[ Jinx would understand. He is no less her father than he was before she shot him.
He needed to prove to her that he would never leave. ]
Or do you think she would consider you a monster?
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But with these new appetites, it’s not safe for her.
It’s one thing to be a thief. If (and that’s a very large if) we were caught, then the prison sentence is minimal. It’s practically a slap on the wrist, even if TOPS wants to take punishment into their own hands as retribution.
But murder? Murder if they found out what I am?
No. I wouldn’t drag her into those consequences.
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[ it's text, so Hugo can't see the way he blinks several times over the murder comment.
Sometimes their worlds seem so similar, and sometimes... ]
The day I took her in, Jinx murdered several people on accident. I believe she was around 10. She didn't stop after that, either.
I think we have very different definitions of what would be dangerous to them. In Zaun, that is something that happens, just as novel as a birth.
[ he doesn't share that it was her family, that she's lived with the weight ever since. That his perfect daughter is so, so damaged. ]
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It's not quite the same, but Vivian also feels responsible for the deaths of other people. It's not her fault, and I can't even call it an accident either, but she was shunned for it and carries the weight. It's why I took her in. She'd been abandoned, and honestly, she probably would have taken her own life.
I've seen how she struggles, and I love her dearly for how strong she is despite that.
So even if there were no consequences, I wouldn't want to add another ounce of guilt or regret to her heart.
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I could coddle her and keep her away from reality, but what you'd would that do her? Instead, she's strong, and brilliant.
I found out she did something extraordinary after I arrived here. She's quite frankly everything a Zaunite should and could be.
[she's perfect Hugo don't forget it]
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I try not to coddle her, though. I don't hide the world from her, and she's the one that insisted on joining Mockingbird.
...But I worry about her safety, you know? Don't you about Jinx? The lives we lead aren't safe.
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No, he did fear for her life now. Her safety. She had to live. All of this wouldn't be worth it, if she did not. She would, of course. He knew that. She would. ]
Jinx is strong. It does not matter how much I fear for her safety, there is no such thing as keeping them safe.
I can only do what I must to make sure she will survive, despite the dangers. That knowledge that we are always in danger is a part of living in the Undercity.
I can only focus on ensuring survival.
[ also he lets her do whatever she wants, and a LOT of that is dangerous ]
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[ But he does worry a bit, just like the first time they'd talked about Jinx. He doesn't doubt that Silco loves her, at least, but is this kind of mindset truly necessary? Maybe it is. But he'd still want to hope for a similar future for Jinx than he hopes for Vivian. ]
Is that what you've focused on for yourself? Survival?
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Not so, after Silco raised her. He has never once been able to peel himself away from the traumas, and she wouldn't, either. Not now. Not in the end. ]
I would not be where I am today, if I was not. [ Well... ] Well. Before arriving here.
I had to survive despite many, many factors trying to ensure that I will not.
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Forgive me if this is overstepping. It's because I know where that impulse comes from. When you're so focused on survival, anything else is difficult, to put it lightly.
But do you still feel that way now?
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Mostly.
The only other thing I am focused on is my... project, and returning home.
Although I should think they are somewhat the same.
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This is easier said than done, I know. But I'm passing along advice I received many years ago, and I did find it helpful.
But take care to try and find something that isn't simply making it from one day to the next. I can't tell you what that should be, since that's a personal preference, but... It does help.
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Help.
With what?
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I see. I'm not exactly qualified to get into it, as it were. But being so singularly focused isn't good for you if it goes poorly.
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Consider it a contingency plan, then. You don't strike me as the sort of person that would overlook having backup plans if things go poorly. It's essentially the same as that.
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Contingencies are plans to move forward, not acceptance of failure.
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I wouldn't put it that way, but regardless. Just be careful? That's my point in the end, since I am concerned about your well-being.
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Of all things, Hugo, I am a survivor above all else. I will be fine.
it was a joke tag but then i went well actually,
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But I've borrowed your time enough at this point, so thank you for that. Truly. Our conversations are always insightful.
🎀